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the first dive
“asking for help without knowing how deep it would go” I’m not used to slowing down. Listening to podcasts. Reading. Breathing on purpose.Meditating. Journaling. All of it feels new. Slightly unnatural.Like trying on someone else’s habits. Growing up, most things were functional.We maximised productivity. Optimised time. Streamlined processes. Even reading was functional.You read for exams.…
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rupture
“emotional release during stillness in yoga“ My gym offers a bunch of classes.Different kinds of yoga too.I figured if it was free, it probably sucked. Yin.No idea what that meant, but I signed up. It was a noon class.Mostly retirees. I walked in late and unrolled my Lululemon mat dead center.A quiet statement. Ready to…
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rag doll
“on people pleasing and the perfect daughter” “You’re my perfect daughter.”My mom told me that in kindergarten. I carried it like a prophecy. Straight A’s. Class monitor. Polite friends.A gold-star girl, smiling on cue. At first, it felt like love.Later, it felt like a cage. Under the stickers and praise,I wasn’t thriving. I was performing.…
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between labels
“on mixed identity, culture, and expectation“ Humans love labels.We sort and name for comfort.To know where a person begins and ends.To decide what to expect. I’ve always complicated the categories.Whether that was imposed on me,or a shape I learned to take,I’m not entirely sure.It just kept happening. One of my earliest memories: primary school.My Chinese…
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the checklist
“burnout from overachieving and the cost of doing everything right“ I used to love checklists.I loved the certainty of them.The way a tick could turn effort into proof. I’d been trained for this long before spreadsheets, learning silence as a performer. Master’s degree: done.Job title: presentable.Promotion: done.Visas in different countries: approved.LinkedIn summary: glowing. On paper,…
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seen, not heard
“learning silence as a performer” I grew up as a performer.It sounds neutral enough. Almost harmless.But for me, that sentence has layers. It started in primary school, when my older sister began dancing before I did.I remember my parents driving her to practice. Watching her on stage, in awe. Seeing her as part of a…
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california sun
“cultural whiplash in the light” When I think of California, I think of people who don’t apologize for existing.Confidence. Volume. Space.Freedom like it’s their middle name.After all, isn’t that what America is about? The soaring eagle and all that. Growing up, we had satellite TV, a whopping twenty channels to choose from.Yes, a whole twenty.And…
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offstage
“the quiet right before I meet myself” The shift began quietly.A slow withdrawal I barely noticed, something like identity loss in its earliest form. For years, my life lived on the screen, curated and filtered for an audience I couldn’t see but always felt. This was part of that slow, quiet drifting. Every moment became…
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drift
“somewhere between where I came from and where I’m going” I left home nearly a decade ago, carrying a kind of expat grief I didn’t have language for yet. First stop: the capital.I told my mom it was just for my undergrad.She wasn’t thrilled, but I promised I’d be back after graduating.(Spoiler: I did not.)…
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auto-pilot
“when I stopped living and didn’t even notice“ I didn’t realise how long I’d been drifting.Routine is sneaky like that, it camouflages dissociation quietly and politely, almost responsibly, while you’re disappearing in plain sight.Somewhere between the motions, I stopped being. I didn’t have language for it yet, just the feeling of drifting, catching my breath.…
exploring mimi
becoming, still