“emotional release during stillness in yoga“

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My gym offers a bunch of classes.
Different kinds of yoga too.
I figured if it was free, it probably sucked.

Yin.
No idea what that meant, but I signed up.

It was a noon class.
Mostly retirees.

I walked in late and unrolled my Lululemon mat dead center.
A quiet statement.

Ready to show off my flexibility.
My endurance.
My ability to hold.

I don’t love admitting how competitive I am.
Especially out loud.
In my culture, ego isn’t considered a good look,
especially for women.

I hate the moments before class starts.
People glancing around.
Small talk.
Stretching without stretching.

I sat with my legs crossed under me,
hyper-aware of my body,
trapped in my head,
waiting for it to begin.

The instructor thanked us for being here.
I remember thinking:
Let’s get on with it.

Hand on heart.
Hand on belly.
Feel your breath.
In.
Out.

She said we could close our eyes,
only if we were comfortable.
I almost rolled mine.

Then time slowed.
Actually, thickened.

Nothing to do.
Nothing to win.

Thank yourself for being here, she said.
For choosing yourself for this hour.

I stopped scanning for the next pose
where I could prove something.
I felt the floor beneath me.
That dull, deep ache with nowhere to escape to.

Breathe in love.
Breathe out what you no longer need.

Something in me flinched.

I hadn’t come for this.
I’d come to do wellness correctly.
To check a box.

I was still trying to do care “right”, following the checklist.

You deserve care.
You deserve love.
We give so much to others and forget ourselves.

That’s when it happened.

Warm tears slipped down my cheeks,
slow at first,
then uncontrollable.

I started sobbing.
Full body.
Shaking.

Something broke open without my permission.

This wasn’t the first time my body gave way, it had been rehearsing this for years as a rag doll.

Suddenly, I wasn’t the best student anymore.

It was cathartic. Violent in its softness.

I couldn’t stop.

The woman next to me moved.
Or left.
I don’t know.
I didn’t care.

No towel.
No containment.
Just tears soaking my chest,
my clothes,
my mat.

I didn’t know emotional release could arrive this suddenly, this physically.

For the first time,
I didn’t care who was watching.

When we were cued into downward dog,
I had to fight for air.
I thought I might not make it through the class.
It felt endless.

Still, I moved.

I finished the class numb.

When savasana arrived,
the final stillness,
I couldn’t stay.

I rolled up my mat and walked out,
something heavier
finally set down.

What came after this was the first dive.